The Nearness of You

December 6, 2012

Today was hard.

Where does it come from? It hits me from out of nowhere; first a soft melancholy, then a sudden rushing wave that I find myself taken over by, lost underneath.

It began with the feeling of missing her, and turned quickly more urgent and desperate perhaps, to overhearing the argument between my rational brain and my emotional brain.

I’m almost at the six-month mark, you see, so it’s all still a little raw. But today felt different. Today it started to turn my stomach a bit, the way your stomach turns when you’re the target of a practical joke or a prank. Maybe someone has taken your phone or your office chair and your coworkers are standing around to see how you’ll react. And everyone has had a good laugh and you’re irritated but you WANT TO BE A GOOD SPORT, so you’re kind of chuckling along with everybody else…

But at some point, enough already, you want your fucking chair back. You’ve played along enough.

That’s how this feels right now. Ah-hah-hah, that was clever, good way to see how I deal under pressure… 

I’d like my mother back now, please.

I want to talk to her before I forget what her voice sounds like. I want to make her chuckle — even though as I type this, I can hear her releasing one of her epic laughs, the one she inherited from her mother just as I then inherited it from her.

I am irritated with myself, what a cliché it is for this to be getting more difficult, even only momentarily, as the holidays approach, how trite, how EXPECTED. I’m annoyed for reacting the way I should be, for doing what most would say is normal.


What can I say? I miss her, and the Christmas lights aren’t helping.

I think back to this time last year, booking That Stupid Cruise, our final trip together. When the travel agent asked how many days we wanted to sail, I joked we shouldn’t do anything more than four days, because two of us would leave and only one would make it back. And right around day 2.5 I was ready to throw her overboard, and I’m pretty sure she was ready to do the same for me.

But I adored her.

I made her get out of bed and come out to our little cruise ship balcony to watch the sunrise with me on 24 December 2011. I’m so glad I did.

sunrise 122411